Thursday, June 14, 2012


i've been thinking about resemblance lately.

having a child through a donor means that sometimes, where you should see flashes of your partner shining through in your baby's face, you see someone else. in our case, that someone else is a friend, so his features and expressions are familiar. sometimes arty gives me a cheeky sideways look and i'm bowled over by how much he looks like his donor. other times i think he's all me.

i love that i can look at him and see my mouth, my silly grin, and my big round head. existing alongside that happiness is a kind of grief that i don't see s's eyes, her nose, or her ridiculously stubby little fingers. that's not to say that he isn't utterly perfect the way he is, or that i would ever want to change a single thing about him, it's just i sometimes think it must be amazing to look at your kid and see that alchemical combination of both parents all mixed up into a brand new person.

there are other ways that arty will resemble s. he has already started to mimic some of her facial expressions (a little nose-wrinkle when he grins), and i know she will shape his tastes, his talents, and his character too.

all this has also got me thinking about how i feel about the different roads we might take to having another child (this won't be for a while, i'm just pondering). i kind of figured we'd use an anonymous donor next time, but now i'm wondering if there's a chance i'd find it kind of odd to see flashes of a stranger in my child's face. the other half of arty's genes may not be s's, but they are familiar and beloved just the same. maybe we wouldn't notice so much because we wouldn't be looking for the features of someone we know.
maybe next time we'll look into finding another known donor. maybe by then we'll have the legal right to adopt (can you believe it's 2012 and we don't?). whatever happens, and whoever they look like, we'll love them to pieces, just like we love our arty.


  1. I imagine it would be hard not seeing your partner in your baby. Even with Lior, sometimes he looks so much like me that I feel bad for Luke.

    Will you carry the next baby, or is that something S wants to do?

    And just out of curiosity, is there a reason you wouldn't choose the same donor as with Arty?

    1. we're not sure about who will carry the next baby. we may decide to foster instead of getting pregnant again. it's all up in the air at the moment.

      our donor doesn't live near us any more, so it would be logistically impossible. but even if he did still live nearby, we feel like it would be a bit much to ask him to donate again - it was such a huge gift to give in the first place, and we wouldn't want to push the friendship.