Wednesday, September 7, 2011

coming out again

i wrote a post a few months ago about choosing to have a caesarian birth, but ended up deleting it because i felt incredibly self-conscious about it. i saw women being shamed for it on pregnancy forums. i worried about well meaning friends and family trying to talk me out of it. i stressed about being labeled "too posh to push". i didn't want to contend with all that judgment, and hand-wringing, so i figured i'd just be quiet about this choice, go ahead with it, and just not tell people it was planned form the start.

but that kind of sucks.

we got to choose our baby's birthday yesterday, and i was so excited, but i felt like i couldn't tell people because then they would know that i was doing this terrible, unfeminine thing.

i've been interrogating my feelings and have come to the conclusion that i have to take the same approach to this as i do about coming out* - just fucking do it. be out, and be unapologetic, because hiding it or being ashamed of it is only letting the judgmental and the bigoted oppress you.

so, yeah. i'm having a scheduled caesarian. i'm doing so for medical and psychological reasons. these reasons are my own, and i do not need to have them approved by anyone else. i am completely comfortable with my choice, and my partner and my ob/gyn are too. i have done a metric arseload of reading on the topic, and i understand the risks as well as the benefits. i feel empowered by the fact that i have made this choice for myself.

expect me to talk more about it in future, because preparing for a scheduled caesarian is a really interesting and different process to preparing for a vaginal birth. and because talking about stuff like this is important - it shows that you're not ashamed.

here's a related article: 'i had a c-section and i loved it', by barrie hardimon

*i want to stress that this is my approach, and i am not suggesting this is the only right way to do things. i completely understand that for some people it's not safe, desirable, or important to be out to any or all of the people they know and i respect that this is a very personal choice.


  1. oh yay, I have been quietly stressing on your behalf about CFS + pushing and the stress/no prior warning of an impromptu birth + anxiety, but didn't want to say anything because well, your body is your decision and me stressing about you helps noone at all!
    But I think this is great! You guys get a baby! How could anything be bad? Plus bonus, nobody can make you drive anywhere for a few weeks, so everyone has to come to you, WIN WIN!

  2. As a caesarian birth myself, can I say it's really cool. Because at some point you study Macbeth and you get to proclaim that you're not of woman born and therefore you could have killed Macbeth :)

    More seriously, I'm so glad you've been able to make a decision that you are most comfortable with and one that is best for you.

  3. I feel quite jealous! It is not a decision we are able to make ourselves here. I would love one, as my birth with Charlie just ended up being so scary and full of worry and it would be nice to be controlled and safe.
    I am assured that the 2nd birth is a lot easier though, so I am taking their word for it!

  4. Congratulations on picking a day! I didn't really get to (inductions are not as predictable as the media likes to think) but it does change a lot of things when you can say "this is the very latest I will have this baby inside me". For me there waas a lot of other stuff tied up in the induction and everything, but it is very much a different journey than the spontaneous labour.

    And fuck the haters. I have rapidly become completely disenchanted with birth communities and a lot of it is the judgemental nastiness around everything.

  5. good on you! i've always wanted a home/water birth but lately i've been thinking about the benefits of the C. so i definitely look forward to reading more about your thoughts/preparations.

  6. I really respect the way you choose to not only share important details with your friends, but create a great record for other people with similar experiences or with questions that more conventional forums don't answer.

    also- CUSPY FRUIBY! hope it gets the GOOD parts of cap in with that aquariusiness

  7. I'm looking forward to hearing more as you prepare. Exciting! :)

  8. @katie - thanks honey. the cfs was definitely a factor in the decision.

    @m - hah! good point! we'll get them into shakespeare early so they can appreciate that :)

    @loralou - i get so upset when women don't have that choice. it's such a dramatic thing for your body to go through, and you should be able to have every option open to you. here you only have the choice if you have private health cover or can pay out of pocket for the expense.
    i've heard second births are almost always easier too. fingers crossed!

    @geek anachronism - it's really wonderful to be able to know what's coming, and prepare for it. of course there's always the chance the baby will come early, but since it's my first i feel like that's pretty unlikely.
    and yeah, i'm steering pretty clear of birth and parenting communities now. too much judgement and cattiness.

    @metalstork - there are aspects of a home water birth that i think would be so wonderful, but the reality i just not for me. it's great that you have the choice, and can decide what's best for you and your kid when the time comes.

    @jen - there is no such thing as a cusp! the baby is going to be a capricorn, as the change to aquarius doesn't happen til the early hours of he 21st.

    @nixwilliams - stay tuned! :)