Wednesday, November 5, 2008

where we are now

i didn't want to start blogging about this gigantic, monumental, beautiful and everyday thing until we had talked to the person we wanted to be the donor. i didn't want to talk too much about how much i wanted this, and how much it meant to me (though i'm certain that kind of stuff has leaked out in conversation over the last year or two) until we'd spoken to him, and gotten an idea of how he felt about it. it would have seemed too much like emotional manipulation. and that's kind of a silly thing to say, because it IS emotional, it's impossible to downplay that, but i just didn't want this blog to seem like veiled wheedling, so i held off.

s and i have known for some time who we wanted to be our donor. he's a very close friend and we love him very much. he's someone we admire and respect, someone we were confident would sill be our friend if we asked and it wasn't ok. someone with whom we knew we could go through this, and it would be alright. as much as you CAN know that.

the other day we sat down and talked about it, and he didn't hesitate. he just said yes. and it's impossible to describe how that felt. the intense love and gratitude. the relief and the joy. he's giving us the chance to be mothers, and that's unspeakably precious. it was a conversation i had agonised over. i'd felt so awkward and worried about it. i didn't know what to say or how to say it. in my frustration i wrote it down in a letter - well, i wrote several drafts of a letter and then transcribed that into a final copy which i then carried around with me for ages, waiting for the right time to sit with him and read it. i'd fretted over what would be the right time and the right place - a garden? over dinner? his house? my house? some kind of discreet yet public and therefore neutral place? in the end, it was an unrehearsed, unceremonial conversation had in few words while sitting on the edge of my bed, followed by a gigantic hug.

and now it's going to happen.

i know there are going to be a lot of questions about the hows and wherefores of this, and we haven't worked all that out yet. but here's what i do know:
~ all things being equal, we plan to start trying in april or may of next year.
~ at this stage i have no reason to believe either of us are infertile, and until we suspect that there's no reason to incur the extra drama and expense that goes along with getting doctors involved. should we have trouble after several tries, we can look into other options, but i'd like to keep it as simple and uncomplicated as possible at this point.

there are thousands of other things to consider and nut out and talk about, but those are the ones that we've talked about so far.
further developments, plans and thoughts will be blogged.

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